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Insurance Jokes and Humor - Whatever

from, your international medical insurance source

Doctor's Advice

A woman hears from her doctor that she has cancer and only six months to live. The doctor recommends that she marry a claims adjuster and move to South Dakota. The woman asks, "will this cure my cancer?"

"No," said the doctor, "but the six months will seem much, much longer!"

Don't Pass The Bread, Please!

(Note: This humor comes from Editor Jim Hostetler produces an on-line subscription publication call FBO that is one of the insurance industry's best newsletters. If you are in the insurance business we highly recommend that you subscribe. The following reprinted letter discusses liability lawsuits gone mad. While the issue of our legal system out of control is not funny to insurers providing product liability insurance we think you will enjoy the author's wit)...

more examples...

Lawsuits against Chevy Corvettes for not putting warnings on their accelerator pedals.

Claims against Harley Davidson for failing to put roll-bars on motorcycles.

Suits against Sarah Lee for irresponsibly baking with butter for the past 30 years.

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard:" The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone. (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice...

  1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters
  2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
  3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years: infant mortality rates were unacceptably high: many women died in childbirth: and diseases such as typhoid , yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
  4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread
  5. Bread is made from a substance call "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
  6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and Osteoporosis.
  7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
  8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
  9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
  10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
  11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
  12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

  1. No sales of bread to minors.
  2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
  3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
  4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
  5. A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please send this on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

Sex Life Insurance

  • If you sleep with your wife that's Legal and General
  • If you sleep with your girlfriend that's Mutual Trust
  • If you sleep with a prostitute that's Commercial Union
  • If you sleep with all types that's Group Life
  • If your wife lets you sleep around that's Liberty Life

Insurance in the Bible

Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage
Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Which Insurer?

Two women are playing golf when one of them ask the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual climax?" The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."

Thank you for visiting our site. We always welcome your comments.

this page last updated 10/05/2010   

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