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Insurance Jokes and Humor - Managed Care
from www.qwotz.us, your international medical
A Southern Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Alabama couple
decided that was enough, as they had no room in the trailer for a larger bed.
So the husband went to his HMO's doctor/veterinarian
and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor/veterinarian told him that was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative,
said the doctor/veterinarian, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are
legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor/veterinarian, "I may
not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb
in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home,
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and
began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure is apparently also approved in West
Virginia, Georgia and Florida.
The Top 10 Signs You've
Joined A Cheap HMO
||Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
||Directions to your doctor's office include "take
a left when you enter the trailer park."
||Tongue depressors taste faintly of
||Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from
||Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of
coverage is "an apple a day".
||Your "primary care physician" is wearing the
pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
||"Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges" is not a typo.
||The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
||With your last HMO, your Viagra
pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them
||You ask for Viagra. You get a
popsicle stick and duct tape.
Frequently Asked Questions
About Health Care
- Q. What does HMO stand for?
- A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" It
roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that
a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked
hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with
high-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result
remains the same
- Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
- A. No. Only those you need.
- Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose
the doctor I want?
- A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These
doctors basically fall into two categories those who are no longer accepting
new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.
But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting
new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
- Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
- A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when
they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be
pre-stuck with it.
- Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing
- A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
- Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of
- A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
- Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the
name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What
should I do?
- A. Poke yourself in the eye.
- Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000
yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but
I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
- A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement
check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of
those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill
farms or frog hatcheries.
- Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling
- A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
- Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
- A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing
your primary care physician. It best to wait until you return, and then get
- Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his office?
- A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the
$10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
- Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care
- A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
- Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
- A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment
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