Insurance Jokes and Humor - Claims
from www.qwotz.us, your international medical
The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me
to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
Insurance Claim for a Brick Layer
I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor
Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the
accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I
completed my work. I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later
were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the
side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of
bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless
to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,
not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by
this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel
of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of
the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine,
I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken foot and severe
lacerations of my lets and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter
with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into
the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the
pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six
stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of
After many years at sea the pirate decided to retire. Since he had
suffered injuries on the job he thought that he should collect on his workers
compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should
be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be
compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden
In a booming voice the pirate replied: "me and me mates were on
the high seas when the boom she swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where
a shark bit off me leg."
Agent: "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your
Pirate: Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the
boom she swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me
Agent: "That is also work related. How did you lose your eye?"
In a booming voice the pirate replied: "Well matey, I was laying
on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and
dropped his duty right in me eye!"
Agent: "What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"
Pirate: "It were the first day with me hook!"
TWAS THE INJURY BEFORE CHRISTMAS
"Twas the night before Christmas
and at the north pole
a busy little workshop
with an enviable role.
Making dolls and soldiers
all manner of toys
as the annual
for good girls and boys.
The elves were all busy
and their stations direct.
sure their positions
were ergonomically correct.
All guards were in place
to avoid safety traps.
Protective glasses were worn
to avert flying scraps.
The elves wore back braces
to protect against strains
little hard hats
to protect their small brains.
When on the main floor
there arose such a clatter
heads turned in time
to see pieces shatter.
The crash said it all,
Santa though with disdain.
accident in the shop
meant an elf was in pain.
Santa came through the door
with a quick little burst
a "FIRST REPORT OF INJURY"
for the elf who was hurt.
"Now, what will happen?
He nervously fretted
were what he most dreaded.
A high E-MOD
and the increased cost,
plus all the time lost!
"We just can't afford it!
A FINE, should we owe it,
spell out the end
of Christmas as we know it!"
Sticking out from some boxes
away from the lights,
two short little legs
clad in green, stretchy tights.
The boxes were strewn
under a once standing shelf.
PROVED IT MUST BE AN ELF!
"Where should we take him?"
They worried for the elf.
NEEDS IMMEDIATE CARE
AND CAN'T DRIVE HIMSELF."
So they shipped him off
in the stand-by sleigh
to a North
open six months a day.
The second team reindeer
of the non-flying kind,
with a new record time.
On Pokey! On Lighting!
On Limpy and Crash!
On Sunchine! On
On Crutches and Flash!
They ran through the snow
with their lips turning blue.
they failed to make it
they soon will be glue.
They finally arrived
at Emergicare Center.
before they could enter.
The Eskimo doctor
applied all the salves
ready to mend
by fusing both halves.
THAT WOULDN'T BE NEEDED!
Managed Care said
and the elf got
before he could leave.
His injuries did not require
any specialized attention,
but the bump in his cortex
was worth a brief mention.
Some ice and aspirin
a brief break from the action.
fallen from higher
HE'D NEED A SURGEON.. AND TRACTION!
The elf returned to the job
embarrassed by his gaff
with his butt in a sling
you couldn't help but laugh.
He soon would be making
cherished Christmas booties
get back on the swing
they assigned him "LIGHT DUTY."
A fresh new reminder,
that you shouldn't climb on
was a message not lost
on impetuous elves.
Santa called his agent
without his usual smile.
jumped into action
AND OPENED A FILE.
The reserves were set
by the adjuster with care,
hopes that a "FULL RELEASE"
soon would be there.
The elves returned to their shores
more cautious; less
with a new found awareness
AND MORE RULES FOR SAFETY!
Santa's parting request,
as he loaded his sleigh,
"Let's not have a repeat
of what happened today!"
"You must be more careful
and think before acting.
Your health is more important,
your work to exacting."
As he tugged on the reins
to start his annual flight,
he said, "BE CAREFUL AND SAFE,
and to all, a good night."
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and
taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the
groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who
was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently
patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your
stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a
humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinster - they
are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill
to my brother-in-law."
- An electronics firm invented a new machine, the Excuser,
designed to come up with creative and convincing excuses. Aimed at people who
are perennially late for work, or forget their wives' birthdays, or the like.
this was a fairly expensive new product launch, so they took out an insurance
policy against unforeseen product defects. They launched the machine with much
fanfare. Unfortunately, a problem did develop. The system would always give the
boss the real reason why the person was late, and turned out to be no good at
inventing false ones. This made volume sales somewhat unlikely, and so the
company went to its insurer to claim for the losses they'd made. The insurance
company listened to the story, and checked the policy terms. The representative
came back to the electronics company and said: "Sorry, but you're not covered
for product lie ability."
- A very worried woman went to an insurance agent and informed
him that her house had caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a
problem. What type of coverage do you have?" Fire and theft." said the woman.
The insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft!"
- A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars,
insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them he then
decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The
insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had
consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the
company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After
the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested.. for
- Gus and Pete, two Greek Restaurant owners are sitting on the
beach in Florida. Gus says to Pete how come you are here? Pete says, "My
restaurant burned down. Hey, Gus how come you're here." "Oh," Gus exclaimed "my
place flooded." Pete looked at Gus with an amazed look and asks, "Gus, how do
you start a flood?"
Surprising Claim Statements
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where
car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
- I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put
my head through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.
- I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a
place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a
- My care was legally parked as it backed into another
- An invisible care come out of nowhere, struck my car and
- I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat
found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side
of the road when I struck him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off
the roof of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found
in a ditch by some stray cows.
- I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the
wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction
going the opposite way.
- The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went
to rest in the bush with just his rear-end showing.
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