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Insurance Jokes and Humor - Actuaries from, your international medical insurance source

Actuary GIF

Actuary yuks

An underwriter takes his two actuaries into a restaurant. The waiter asks the underwriter what he would like to he and the underwriter replies, "I'll have the steak." Then the waiter asks the underwriter: "And for your vegetables?" The underwriter replies, "They'll have the steak too."

A casualty actuary priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt car?"

An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that. The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only."

An actuary is a place where they bury dead actors.

What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary? An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.

An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there." The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?" The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."

Q. How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "How many did it take last year?"

Believe it or not, more Actuary Jokes

  • An actuary, a lawyer and an accountant are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife. The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce. The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective. The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.
  • What is the difference between an actuary and a computer? At least the computer has some type kind of personality.
  • An actuary is one who, if you're drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he's meeting you MORE than half-way.
  • In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speak English. They're called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. In the United States they're called actuaries.
  • An actuary is a CPA who found CPA work too exciting.
  • An actuary is a CPA who didn't have the personality for it.
  • Question: How do you recognize an extrovert actuary? Answer: He looks at your shoes and not his own, when he is speaking to you.
  • Ask an actuary "What's 2 + 2?" Response: "What do you want it to be?"
  • Imagine an insurance company as a car, the president is driving, marketing has its foot on the gas, underwriting has its foot on the brakes, and the actuary is looking out the rear view mirror screaming directions.
  • Two actuaries equipped with shotguns sit in a duck blind. A flock in close formation flies in front of them. One takes aim and fires ten yards behind the ducks, the other shoots ten yards in front. They turn to each other and with a couple of high fives rejoice, "Got em!!!"
  • There are three types of Actuaries, those who can count and those who can't.
  • A skydiver is blown off-course and lands in a tree in a remote area. After dangling from branches for an hour, he spots a hiker walking by. "Excuse me," yells the parachutist, "but could you tell me where I am?" The hiker looks up and says, "Yes, you're twenty feet above the ground." "Thank you," replies the skydiver, "You must be an actuary." "What makes you say that?" asked the hiker. The skydiver answered, "Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!"
  • Question: "What is the difference between God and an actuary?" Answer: :"God doesn't think he's an actuary."
  • Question: "How do you get an actuary to laugh on Saturday?" Answer: "Tell the actuary a joke on Thursday."
  • Definition of a computer: "An actuary with a heart."
  • Question; "What do actuaries use as contraceptives?" Answer: "Their personality."

An actuary and an underwriter

An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump. The underwriter say, "I'll be you fifty bucks he doesn't jump." The actuary says, "I'll take the bet."

A few minutes later they see that the guy does indeed jump. As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It's not fair. I saw it on the six o'clock news." The underwriter responds, "So did I, but I just didn't think it would happen twice."

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this page last updated 10/05/2010  

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